Navigating Mother's Day with a Heavy Heart

 Mother's Day is marked on the calendar for widespread observance in the US and globally, albeit it is celebrated on different dates in different parts of the world. It is often referred to as a day of celebration with terms like Celebrating Mother's Day and Happy Mother’s Day. However, in reality, Mother’s Day carries a spectrum of emotional weight, particularly for those who have experienced the death of their mother, have endured the loss of a child, have an estranged relationship with their mom, never had a mom, and for people struggling with fertility challenges.

The loss of a mother is a widespread experience. Data from the U.S. Census Bureau in 2021 indicated that approximately 9%-19% of people in the United States aged between 30-49 years old had already lost their biological mother. This means that 1 in every 10 people you know who are 30-39 years old and 1 in 5 people between 40-49 years old are grieving this Mother’s Day. This significant portion of the population navigates Mother's Day with the absence of a central figure in their lives, often amplifying feelings of grief and loss. 

So Was Mother’s Day Always Meant to be a Simple, Happy Occasion And a Celebration? 

The origins of Mother's Day in the US can be traced to the early 20th century, when an activist, Anna Jarvis, campaigned for Mother’s Day to be added to the calendar of National Holidays in the US. What drove her in her advocacy for Mother’s Day was her grief for the loss of her own mother. Her intention was always to honor all mothers, living and deceased, as detailed by historical accounts. Jarvis envisioned a day of personal and heartfelt appreciation and honoring of moms. 

The National Portrait Gallery in Washington, DC offers a compelling example of honoring this original intention through initiatives like their exhibition on Lois Mailou Jones, recognizing the persistence of mothers throughout history. These exhibits highlight a way to connect with the day's spirit beyond mere commercialization. Jarvis herself later in life lamented the holiday's evolution into a commercially driven event, often overshadowing the more profound sentiments it was meant to evoke. 

This pervasive "celebration," akin perhaps to the festive atmosphere of the Fourth of July, rather than the atmosphere of Veterans Day, a day of honoring and remembering the sacrifices of the living and the deceased. This defaulting and limiting it to a purely joyful expression can inadvertently create a painful sense of isolation for those whose experience of motherhood is intertwined with loss and longing. The current emphasis on exuberant celebration also often lacks the necessary sensitivity for acknowledging the diverse realities of motherhood, fertility struggles, the loss of a child, miscarriage, and stillbirths. 

For those who have experienced the loss of a child, regardless of how brief their time, Mother's Day can reignite the intense grief associated with that loss. The day serves as a painful marker of a future that will never be realized, a void that is hard to fill, and a grief that will exist in some capacity forever. The same holds for the profound grief following a miscarriage or stillbirth. The emotional bond and the hopes for the future that accompany a pregnancy followed by a miscarriage or stillbirth are real, making Mother's Day a particularly acute reminder of what was lost.

The impact on people struggling with infertility is also significant. In the United States, approximately 13.4% of women of reproductive age (15-49 years) experience difficulties becoming pregnant or carrying a child to term. Globally, the World Health Organization estimates that around 1 in 6 people worldwide experience infertility at some point in their lives, representing approximately 17.5% of the adult population. For women facing infertility, Mother's Day can be a stark reminder of unfulfilled desires and the ongoing emotional toll of their journey. The ubiquitous images of happy families and tributes to mothers can evoke feelings of isolation, loss, and a deep sense of what might never be. These experiences often carry layers of disenfranchised grief, where the pain is not fully recognized or validated by the broader social context, further compounding the individual's suffering. Being sensitive to people dealing with Grief on Mother’s Day is paramount to the wider well-being and mental health of our communities.

Why do we feel more grief on some days, such as Mother’s Day, even decades after experiencing the loss of your Mother?

Our understanding of grief has progressed over time. While the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, sadness, and acceptance – proposed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her seminal Book On Death and Dying (summarized here), provided an initial framework for grief, more contemporary perspectives, such as the Continuing Bonds Theory developed by Dennis Klass, Phyllis Silverman, and Steven Nickman, suggest a more nuanced and ongoing relationship with grief. 

The Continuing Bond Theory posits that the bond with the deceased endures and that grief is not a linear process but an evolving aspect of one's life. Consider the analogy of grief as a ball within a box, where the ball is the grief of losing a loved one, and the ball’s contact with the sides of the box represents the triggering of the grief. In the immediate aftermath of loss, the ball is close to the same size as the box, so it touches the sides of the box frequently, triggering intense grief so often that it feels as if the grief takes over one's life. In the initial months of grieving, there are even moments when it can feel like it is impossible to continue life without your loved one. 

Some people believe that over time the size of the ball of grief becomes smaller so the pain becomes more manageable. Still, I, along with many other therapists, am a proponent of the theory that the size of the grief ball doesn’t decrease, as it can be just as devastating even when triggered years later by a grief trigger. Instead, over time, you create a life around the grief, and your life outside of the grief gets bigger. New experiences and relationships are cultivated, which can be visualized by the size of the box increasing, yet the grief remains a presence.

On days of significance, such as Mother's Day, death anniversaries, or a deceased loved one’s birthday, the box temporarily contracts, and the ball again starts touching all the sides of the box more frequently. It is not that the life you created after your loved one passed away disappears; it goes out of focus as grief comes more into focus on such days, bringing up memories, sadness, and longing. 

It is also important to mention here that as grief is non-linear, it can also vary from year to year, depending on overlapping of concurrent life events such as getting married, having a baby, other difficulties and challenges you’ve faced that year and the level of support you have in your life at the time. The higher the vulnerability and instability you feel in your life, the more painfully grief hits. So if a loved one or friend you know has had a tough year, is getting married or is expecting this year, and has lost their mother, make it a point to check in on them on Mother’s Day.

What can you do to take care of yourself on Mother’s Day if you’re grieving?

• Acknowledge and Validate your Grief: Check in with yourself and ask yourself how your grief is today and what you need today. Creating space for your emotions without judgment helps move through these emotions rather than feeling stuck with them. Our emotions get stuck when we stifle our feelings and put on a face. Recognize that your pain is valid, and it's okay to cry if sadness is coming up, it's okay to feel that it is not fair; all emotions are okay. 

• Disengage from any external pressures and prioritize self-care: Recognize that the experience of grief and longing is personal and does not adhere to external schedules. You do not need to honor your loved ones or be forced to connect with your grief based on a national day calendar. The only calendar you need to follow is your own heart’s calendar. If you need a media blackout, take the day to engage in self-care and spend it with a few loved ones you can trust and lean on, or if you need quiet solitude, give yourself permission to do that for a while today. Grant Permission for Space: You do not need to feel obligated to present a facade of celebration or put a smile on your face when you are grieving and don’t feel up to that. Choose another day to show your loved ones you care and excuse yourself from mother’s day celebrations if that is what you need today. Your loved ones will understand. If you feel you can engage despite your grief, it is ok to have your moments of grief even as you celebrate with loved ones. Vulnerability is a part of our human experience.

• Cultivate Meaningful Rituals: If you feel up to honoring your mother despite the grief, engage in practices that provide comfort and connection, such as journaling, lighting memorial candles, writing a letter to your mom, or creating personal tributes. This might also involve acknowledging their memory and carrying on traditions and rituals you shared with them on Mother’s Day, so you carry them in your heart even as you celebrate with your kids. Carrying their legacy can be a meaningful way to balance grief and celebration. 

• Consider sharing with your loved ones: When appropriate and with trusted individuals, sharing memories and emotions can provide relief and connection. Finding support within communities that understand infertility or pregnancy loss can also be beneficial.

• Prioritize Self-Care: Engage in activities that promote well-being, such as spending time in nature, pursuing relaxing hobbies, or listening to emotionally resonant music. Be gentle with yourself and allow for moments of rest and respite.

• Seek Community Support: Connecting with individuals who share similar experiences can offer validation and understanding. Support groups for parent loss, infertility, pregnancy loss, miscarriage, and child loss can provide invaluable comfort. For a list of grief resources in Washington, DC, Virginia, and Maryland, refer to Resources page on our website. 

• Reflect to discover on what works for you: Year on year, take some time to reflect on how the plans you make for Mother”s day worked for you so you can start to develop a roadmap of what works for you to cope with grief on such days. Consider what strategies were helpful in navigating your emotions to inform future coping mechanisms.

Conclusion

Ultimately, perhaps the evolution of Mother's Day lies in embracing a broader understanding of its significance – a day not solely for celebration, but for honoring the profound impact of mothers in all their forms, including the enduring legacy of those who are no longer with us and acknowledging the complex journeys of those longing to become mothers. This shift in perspective, moving towards a more inclusive honoring of mothers rather than purely a joyous celebration, can create a more compassionate space for diverse emotional landscapes that this day evokes and bring a sensitivity towards those who are dealing with fertility challenges and perinatal loss.